


The Sinners & The Saints

by MaddieandChimney



Series: She's Married (AU) [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Domestic Violence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24592231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: “She’s married.”“Not happily.”The moment they meet, there's an instant connection neither can describe, that not even her marriage to her abusive husband can stop.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: She's Married (AU) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1777675
Comments: 19
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Maddie and Doug moved to LA a few years before Buck follows them over - he doesn't know the extent of the abuse but he knows enough that he and Maddie have to meet in secret, behind her husbands back. When he introduces her to Chimney, there's an instant spark that not even the fact she's married can stop.

Howard ‘Chimney’ Han felt drawn to the woman the moment he first laid eyes on her, barely able to tear his eyes away from her as he watched the way she affectionately reached up to rest her hand to her brothers cheek. He couldn’t hear what she was saying from where he was sitting, but he could sense from the way Buck’s shoulders were relaxing, they were words of comfort. It had been a particularly difficult shift, the first time the young firefighter had lost someone, the only person he had asked for was his big sister, and Bobby had more than happy to contact the ever illusive eldest Buckley sibling.

She had turned up only ten minutes previously, still in her scrubs and a fire in her eyes before she had a sobbing Buck safe in her arms. There’s something about her that catches his attention straight away, he knows so much about her even if he’s never met her. She doesn’t at all match up to the image he had created in his own mind, she’s definitely as beautiful as he thought she would be but there’s something about her he can’t put his finger on.

“You’ll stay for dinner?” It’s the voice of their Captain that pulls him from his own thoughts, watching as she drops her hand from the now calm face of Evan Buckley, seemingly having no choice when he takes her hand in his, practically yanking her towards the table. Chimney doesn’t miss the way she nervously glances at her phone, as her mouth opens to protest before she seemingly decides not to voice her concerns. Instead, she formally introduces herself to them, until their eyes meet, and she’s holding her hand out with a smile. It takes him a moment to respond, quickly catching himself when Hen jabs him in the back.

“Howard-Howie.” It falls out and it’s too late to correct himself, despite the looks he’s getting. he takes her hand in his, giving it a gentle shake, his stomach churning in excitement when her cheeks turn a light shade of pink before she moves to sit next to him. He spends the rest of the meal avoiding eye contact with anyone other than her, whilst also ignoring the obnoxiously huge diamond ring on her left hand.

He’s glad when the entire dinner conversation is about Maddie, mostly pretending they don’t already know most of the answers (Buck is a talker on their twenty-four shifts). She’s an ER Nurse, moved out to LA a few years before her brother did. She doesn’t talk about her marriage and no one asks, Chimney is only ninety per cent sure he can see a finger shaped bruise on the top of her arm when the sleeve shifts just a little.

The man is immediately enthralled with her, he’s sure he can listen to her laugh all day. He’s only known her for barely an hour but he wants to know more – but she’s off limits. She’s married, she’s Buck’s sister. But she leans a little closer to him, and he’s sure her hand brushes against his on purpose, and suddenly, all he can think about is Maddie.

“She’s married.” Hen is the one who points it out to him later that night, when the Nurse is long gone and she finds him sitting on the bench in the locker room, just staring ahead.

He shrugs his shoulders, and he knows it’s wrong but the two words slip from his mouth before he can stop them, “Not happily.”

* * *

They never talk about her husband; he thinks that’s what makes it easier for him to pretend as though he doesn’t exist. When Maddie starts coming to the firehouse more often for family meals, he doesn’t mean to fall hard but he promises himself he’ll never act on it. She’s _married_ and even if they don’t talk about it openly, he never saw himself as being that person.

It turns out he is exactly that person because that day, exactly two months after he had first met her in person, they’re alone for the first time. She’s standing awkwardly next to her car after he had insisted on walking her to it from the bar. If he’s learnt anything about her over the last few months, it’s that she always seems as though she’s on edge, he knows she has alarms set on her phone – although he’s not sure what for – but the moment it had gone off, she had made her excuses to leave.

There’s a smile on his face when he takes her keys from her, “Do you want me to do a sobriety test first?” He teases, knowing she’s only been on the lemonade since they arrived, but it’s enough to make her giggle which always makes his heart clench in a way he hasn’t ever felt before. He’s fallen hard for women in the past, mostly women he has to pretend to be someone else for but this is different. She’s married, he tries to tell himself as he so often does but it’s easy to forget when she’s looking at him in the way she is right then.

It’s only made harder because he’s not stupid, he _knows_ what he’s feeling is definitely not one-sided. Neither of them have been exactly subtle, always insisting on sitting next to each other, often talking between themselves even if there’s a group of people around them. Plus, she laughs at his jokes when no one else does. But she’s married.

A look crosses her face as though she’s contemplating something, her teeth chewing down on her bottom lip before she steps forward and closes what little gap there was between them. “Howie,” It’s the way she says his name, the way she’s the only person to call him that and make him feel as though his knees are about to buckle. Maddie licks her lips and her eyes are on his and there’s a pause, as though she’s waiting for him to pull away.

He doesn’t.

She’s married, but he doesn’t pull away when he knows he should. Instead, he lifts his hand to her cheek, gently brushing his fingertips along her cheekbone before he whispers her name. It seems to be exactly what she needs to finally press her lips to his; wary and gentle, as though she’s waiting for him to push her off. He doesn’t move at all – neither to stop the kiss or to encourage it any further. She’s in complete control, he needs for her to know that because he’s not the one who will lose everything.

When her lips move against his, he finally responds, tenderly placing a hand on her hip to move her until her back hits her car. Her arms move to wrap around his neck, and his body presses against hers before the sound of an alarm notification on her phone causes her to pull back. Breathless, her chest rising rapidly, she stares at him without an ounce of regret in her eyes, just slight annoyance. “I should go… he’ll be home soon.”

It occurs to him, not for the first time, that the notifications are more of a self-warning that she needs to get home before her husband but he tries not to think about it too much as he forces a smile onto his face. “Ask Buck for my number, to my… other phone, he’ll know what you mean.” There’s a surge of anger inside of him, hating that she even needs to have a secret phone in the first place but he doesn’t express it. He just nods his head, “Text me your address?” The words are said with such confidence that he falters, but the look on her face gives her away.

She’s married. But he still nods his head and moves his head forward for a quick peck on her lips, unable to stop the grin on his face as he does so. It feels as though he could kiss her every single day, multiple times a day for the rest of his life and it still wouldn’t be enough. “Be safe.” Is what he decides on murmuring, not able to shake the feeling he has that she’s running into the line of danger every time she leaves him.

When her head tilts to the side and she observes him, there’s a sadness, “I’ll be careful.” She corrects him, as always, alluding to what he knows is going on in her marriage but never saying it aloud. Neither of them say another word as she gets into her car and takes her keys from him with a timid smile on her face.

She’s married but he can think of nothing more than kissing her again as he watches her drive away, back home, to the arms of her husband.

* * *

Maddie knows more than anyone that if Doug finds out, he’ll kill her but she’s been fighting the primal urge just to press her lips to Howie’s for the past two months. She just wanted to know how it would feel, even if she was wrong about all the signals and he pushed her away. She had been wondering if his lips were as soft as they looked, if he’d be as gentle as she had imagined him to be. It was everything she had dreamt of and so much more.

It’s wrong, she’s _married_ and she has absolutely no intention of leaving her husband (she would, if she could) but the Paramedic has been on her mind for the past two months. Leaving her feeling almost giddy and devastated at the same time because… she’s never had that connection with another person. If only she’d have met him sooner.

The kiss is all she can think about as she drives home – her only beacon of light in the world also happens to be the thing that sets Doug over the edge. Howie was so good, so kind, someone would be lucky to have him in their lives, and the hatred she feels for herself in that moment bubbles over without warning. Doug would kill her if she tried to leave, he’d promised it more than once, but he’d also kill Howie if he found out about him.

It’s selfish, she’s put his life in danger, without him truly knowing what mess he’s getting himself into. She hates herself, until she pulls into her driveway and digs out the phone from her bag, smiling when she sees it flash with a smiley face and an address. It’s selfish and she hates herself for the burning desire she feels right then, but she can’t stop her fingers from typing back a request for him to send through his schedule for the next week before she tucks the phone away in her glove box and takes a deep breath.

It takes a few moments for her to gather the courage she needs to get out of the car – she has an hour until he’s due home, an hour to make it look as though she’s spent the entire evening at home since she left the hospital from her own shift. It’s an hour to mentally prepare herself for whatever mood he’s going to come home in, usually determined by the outcome of the surgeries that day. All it takes is a mental pep talk before she finds herself out of the car and walking towards the house.

The moment she closes the front door behind her, just a moment later, his voice echoes through the darkness of the hallway, “You’re late.” She can just make out his shadow leaning up against the wall at the bottom of the stairs, as though he’s been waiting for her.

“D-Doug? Your car wasn’t…”

“I had a colleague drop me off.” She should have known. It had been a while since he had last tested her, she had gotten too complacent. Had he followed her? Had he seen her kiss Howie? She had done it so publicly, without thinking of the dangers that could lurk around the corner. Just the thought was enough to make her body tremble, already knowing what was about to come.

“I was only with Buck, I didn’t think you’d mind. I thought I’d be back before you… I promise I’ll let you know next time.” It’s not good enough, she can see the anger in his eyes when he steps forward into the light of the moon shining through the window. He won’t hear anything she has to say, his focus on one thing and one thing only. Hurting her.

He slaps her hard, open palmed, hard enough to hurt but never hard enough to leave an obvious mark. Those are usually reserved for the moments he loses complete control, the times she has to phone in sick to work when no amount of foundation will cover the bruises. “You know the rules, babe, you always have to push your luck…” She feels her back hit the wall, his hands around her throat as he pushes her, letting go only to punch her in the stomach – the perfect place; ultimate pain but easy coverage. Once, twice, three times before she collapses to the floor sobbing, “If you just did what you were told, I wouldn’t have to do this.”

The woman’s eyes fall to a close, the tears falling fast, her mind drifting to Howie’s smile, to the feel of his lips against hers, how his light stubble scratched her chin, how he waited for her to take control before he responded. She keeps the image in her mind when a foot slams down on her ribs, the crack only covered by her screams.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slightly NSFW - mentions of sex.

“I kissed her.”

“You what?!”

“I kissed her.” Chimney looked up at his best friend, his cheeks tinged with shame, “I kissed her and she’s married and I enjoyed it. But she’s… she went home to her husband straight after but fuck, I’d kiss her again, Hen.”

She has that disapproving look on her face that he’s seen a few times but very rarely aimed in his direction and he knows, he’s earned it. The hard time he had given her after it was exposed she had cheated on Karen, the condemnation he had thrown her way. And now he was the other party. But it was different, at least, that’s what he could tell himself. “Chimney, you’re on dangerous ground right now, you understand that, right? And I know, I know it feels like she’s worth it and maybe she is but… we don’t know him. We just know what Buck has told us, I-I’m worried about you.”

There’s a concern in her voice and he knows that she’s his best friend and she would do anything for him, including being honest when he needed to hear it. He also knows she’s not wrong, The way Buck spoke of Maddie’s husband, the stories he told, the fears he expressed, the unsettled feeling he got in the pit of his stomach when Maddie turned up with yet another bruise she attempted to hide. His suspicions had yet to be confirmed, but he didn’t care. He’d go through hell and back if it meant having her in his arms which sounded crazy when he thought about it, because in the grand scheme of life, two months wasn’t enough time to fall head over heels in love with another person. But there he was.

“You can’t fix her.” When he had remained silent, she spoke again, her hands in his before squeezing them tightly, “You can’t save her.”

“I don’t want to fix her or save her. I just _want_ her.” He’s desperate, knowing he’s never going to get Hen’s approval of what he’s doing or rather, what he plans on doing but he needed her to know. “I don’t know if she’s going to leave him for me, and I want her to more than anything but I don’t know what the fuck she’s going to choose to do but I want to have the chance. I think she’s it for me. And I’m a good man, okay? I’m… _good_ , I wouldn’t hurt her.”

“I know you wouldn’t and she knows you wouldn’t, too but… she’s cheating on her potentially abusive husband, Chimney. This does not end well for either of you.” He sighs, picking up the bottle of beer from the side before he brings it to his lips, nodding his head. He knows she’s right, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to stop.

It’s a little after ten when there’s a knock on his door, only half an hour after Hen has left and somehow, he knows who it is before he even opens the door. Before he can even acknowledge the fact she’s standing in front of him, her lips are against his and he forgets everything else. The moment the apartment door is closed, he makes the executive decision that the outside world disappears. There’s no husband, there’s no Hen disapproving of his choices, no sadness, _nothing_ else but the two of them.

They’re both breathless when they eventually pull away, “Hi,” She whispers, her cheeks flushing red when his lips graze along hers, his hand on her waist. “Y-you don’t mind me just turning up like this, do you? I missed you and… h-he’s in work tonight.”

She’s nervous, and he understands because he is too, but he wants her there more than he’s ever wanted anything. “You can turn up whenever you want.” His other hand moves to her cheek, gently brushing his thumb along soft skin, until he’s kissing her again. His lips against hers feels like he’s home, it feels right even though it’s wrong.

Maybe it’s not _wrong_ , just bad timing.

He feels disappointed when she pulls back, until her hand in his and she’s pulling him in the general direction of his bedroom and the rest of the world melts away.   
  


* * *

Chimney doesn’t expect her to still be there in the morning, but when he opens his eyes, she’s watching him, a distant look on her face as her fingers gently graze up and down his arm. “Morning,” He whispers, leaning forward to rub his nose against hers until their lips meet again. It’s only a brief, gentle kiss, pulling back to look at her, “You look like you were deep in thought.”

“I was just thinking about how different my life would be if I had met you first.”

“I think about that a lot, too.” He gets too lost in his own head sometimes, wishing he could have been the one to sweep her off her feet at nineteen. The paramedic is sure he would do anything, give anything, to turn back time so he can make sure she doesn’t know an ounce of pain in her life. He hasn’t forgotten about the way she winced the night before, the short gasps of pain that she refused to talk about it – at least, until the morning. He doesn’t want to wipe the smile from her face, but he needs confirmation. 

“D-do you want to talk now?” His voice is hesitant, terrified that the confirmation of what he already knows deep inside will cause him to lose the control he’s relatively maintained thus far. The smile is gone, replaced with unshed tears as she takes a deep breath, pain evident on her face as she does so. She’s quick to mask it. It causes a twisting pain throughout his body to know that not only is she in pain, but she knows it well enough to hide it.

“Do I have to?”

“No, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do but maybe you can show me?” She had insisted on lights off the night before, and he had obliged despite a part of him telling him to stop. But Maddie had asked him to be gentle, her hand in his, their lips barely parted as he pushed into her; slowly, and tenderly. He had meant to ask when their breathing had settled, but her head was on his chest and she whispered that she felt safe and he could feel tears on his bare chest.

He pushes back the feeling that he should have pushed her harder instead of holding her as she cried herself to sleep.

“It’s really not as bad as it looks, okay?” He doubts it, but nods his head anyway, watching as she pulls down the bed sheets, revealing the angry yellow and black bruising covering her right-hand side. He doesn’t say anything, not for a good few minutes, the rage inside him bubbling to the point he doesn’t trust himself to open his mouth. He doesn’t even know how she’s still moving, let alone… he feels sick, at the thought that he had caused her any pain the night before. He had known something wasn’t right but carried on anyway, making love to her in a way he’s never touched anyone else.

But she was in pain.

It’s Maddie who breaks the silence, “Don’t look… guilty. I wanted what happened last night. Please, Howie…”

It’s only the tone of her voice that pulls him from his thoughts as he gulps back the lump in his throat. For a moment, he’s ready to phone Buck, to find the man who dare lays a hand on Maddie and make sure he feels even an inch of the pain he’s put her through. The look on her face is the only thing that’s stopping him from scrambling out of the bed and finding his phone right then. He opens his mouth to say something, but the only thing he can think of right then is telling her to leave him. He wants to tell her that he will protect her, that he’ll stand with her brother and the rest of the 118, Athena, everyone who loves her, to make sure she never has to go through hell again.

Instead, what falls out is, “I love you.” It’s stupid, he’s known her for two months, but it’s all he can think of right then. The three words he feels so deeply, it’s the only way he’s still anchored to the bed right then.

She doesn’t say anything, so he continues, “I-I’ll wait for you to be ready. I don’t know how long that’ll take and I know, I know it’s dangerous to leave him and I know…” He sighs, him acting on the very violent impulses running through his head right then wasn’t going to convince her that he was different. He needed her to know that she was safe with him.

There’s surprise on her face, as though she half-expected him to storm out of there and try to fix the world she’s found herself in. “He’ll kill me. He’ll kill you.”

“I’ll fight with everything in me to make sure that doesn’t happen but you have to be ready. And when you are, tell me.”

Her nose scrunches up in confusion, “You’re not going to tell me to leave him?”

“I want you to leave him more than I could ever put into words, Maddie but that’s your decision. I’ll be here when you do and every moment up until you do. I’m not going to tell you what to do,” He figures she’d had enough of that from the first man she loved, “But if you’re only staying because you’re scared of what he’ll do if you leave… be afraid of what he’ll do if you stay.” The thought of living in a world without her causes a painful longing to build up in his chest.

A few seconds pass, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not yet. It’s bad—I know it’s bad. I know I need to leave but I’ve tried before and I’m still there.”

“You didn’t have me before.” He cups her chin gently, forcing her to look into his eyes, seeing the fire behind them when he speaks, “You say the word, Madeline, I promise you that I will fight to keep you safe.”

“I’m not ready yet, is that okay?”

“That’s okay.” His lips press to her shoulder, hands gently running down her side, brushing along the bruised skin. “I won’t push it,” There was no point, he had treated enough victims to know that if they weren’t ready, no matter who was waiting for them on the other side or how bad it was behind closed doors, then they’d end up back there. “But I want you to be honest with me always, okay? I-I need you to… if you need any medical treatment, come to me?”

She nods, and he’s relieved, “I’ve got some pain killers from my accident, and then I’ll wrap your ribs.” He sees the fear on her face, “Or just the pain killers.” That seems to relax her enough, but it doesn’t ease the uneasy dread he feels in the pit of his stomach or the way he feels as though there’s a weight on his chest.

“Can we pretend it’s just the two of us? At least for the next hour.” He can’t deny her anything she asks for, a smile on his face despite the incredible pain he’s feeling right then.

“Just the two of us.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter does go into domestic violence a little more, not horrifically graphic but mostly implied. Proceed with caution!

Maddie was nineteen years old when she met Doug Kendall, and from the moment he smiled at her and held out his hand to introduce himself, she was infatuated. She had a trail of high school boyfriends, nothing too serious, so the speed at which Doug moved their relationship along didn’t feel strange or rushed. It just felt… natural.

She was just a student, volunteering at the hospital in her spare time and he was a resident, with big dreams and an even bigger heart. Or so she had thought. That was how it started – flowers, extravagant meals, constantly telling her she was beautiful, how perfect she was and how perfect they were for each other. He loved to show her off, wrap his arm tightly around her waist and proudly announce that she was his girlfriend to anyone who would listen. And she _loved_ it.

Her childhood had been one rejection after the other – her parents were simply too busy for children which meant Maddie not only struggled to understand why they decided to have kids in the first place, but also left her having to bring up her little brother. The constant desire to get her parents attention whilst simultaneously having to grow up fast so she could make sure her brother had _some_ attention that she had so obviously lacked, had left her craving something more. She wanted to be loved, she wanted to grab someone’s attention and be able to keep it, she wanted someone to be proud of her and Doug? At the beginning, he was all those things and so much more.

He was perfect.

So, when he had grabbed her arm a little too tightly one night, when she had drunk too much, she hadn’t thought much of it. She had been the one making a fool out of herself, she had embarrassed him in front of his friends. So, really, when she woke up with finger shaped bruises on the top of both her arms, she completely blamed herself. And when he woke her up with breakfast in bed and a thousand apologies, she was confident that it was her fault.

The first time he had hit her, they were two years into their relationship – living together, loving each other, her entire life entangled around him. She’d go to college, continue to volunteer at the hospital, come home and make sure his dinner was on the table, she had no friends which meant she spent every night with him.

She hadn’t seen it coming, she had gotten too caught up in an assignment and had ended up burning the chicken she had completely forgotten about. Maddie could tell Doug was annoyed, when he came home to the sound of the smoke alarm and the smell of burnt chicken throughout his apartment and when he had finally turned the alarm off, she had laughed. Big mistake. The sound of his palm making contact with her cheek seemed to reverberate around the otherwise silent apartment before he unleashed his rage – she was careless, stupid, irresponsible, childish. They all seemed to mould into one as she pressed her own hand against her stinging cheek in complete shock,

They had gone to bed in silence, and she had woken up to a room full of roses and breakfast in bed, a new necklace and a bunch of apologies. He kissed her, lovingly brushed his fingers against her cheek and cried whilst telling her it was her fault, he had been so scared she would burn down the apartment. He didn’t want to lose her. It was her fault – and so, she forgave him.

Despite everything, she still walked down the aisle into his arms, still ignored her parents wishes when they told her that she would end up regretting ever marrying that man. They had never given her anything growing up, why they suddenly decided she would listen to their opinion in her twenties, she would never understand.

Sixteen years after she had first met Doug, she’s in bed with another man and she wishes she had listened to her parents when she had the chance.

Maddie knows it’s wrong, she had always frowned on cheating – had seen it far too many times with her colleagues and patients. She had even given her brother several lectures when he admitted he had slept with a married woman. And there she was, sneaking behind her husbands back for a few hours here and there of compete happiness.

It’s the most selfish thing she can do, dragging good, kind Chimney into her mess of a life. Knowing that if Doug ever found out, it would no longer be just her who he kills, but Chimney too. It’s completely and utterly selfish but when his lips are against hers, she can’t think of anything or anyone else. And those hours she spends in his arms, she’s free. She doesn’t think of Doug, she doesn’t think about having to go back home and endure his wrath once more. She’s just Maddie again, and she hasn’t been Maddie in such a long time.

Maddie plans on leaving, she thinks about it more often than she thinks about Chimney which she thinks is impossible but if leaving is the only way they can be together, then it absolutely is what takes up most of her spare time. She’s tried before, only to be dragged back by her husband, who warns her that next time she runs, he’ll kill her. And she believes him when his hands are around her neck and her fingers are so desperately trying to claw at his hands to stop him. She thinks he’s going to do it, but he lets her go and instead, she’s left on the bathroom floor wishing he had.

Leaving is the most dangerous thing she’s ever going to do, so she knows any plan has to be perfect. She knows she can’t just go running into Chimney’s arms and everything will be okay, she can’t put the onus on him to protect her and she can’t put him in any more danger than she already. But it doesn’t stop her from thinking about it, especially not when she wakes up his arms, her head on his bare chest as her fingers trace the outline of his tattoo. She thinks about how amazing it would be to wake up to this every morning instead of just once a week when her husband things she’s on a night shift.

She wants to leave, more than anything, but she’s terrified of what will happen when she does. Doug will never let her go, he will never let her live a life without him. They were going to grow old together and die together, as he so often liked to remind her. And a year ago, she would have told herself that was what she wanted and what she deserved, to stay with Doug, terrified and miserable forever, craving those few moments of love and affection he gave her. And now? For the first time in as long as she could remember, Chimney was reminding her of her self-worth, that she was so much more than just Doug’s wife. She could be so much more.

The familiar feeling of him stirring beneath her causes a small smile on her face, keeping her eye on the alarm clock next to his bed, knowing she barely has thirty minutes before she has to leave, “Morning,” She whispers, tilting her head up so she can grin at him.

Usually, she’s met with a smile, that goofy, lopsided grin she adores so much, but his eyes are sad, his fingers moving over her black eye that she had almost forgotten about. And she remembers how… distant he had seemed the night before. How quiet he had been when he moved his fingers over the bruises that weren’t on her body when he had seen her the week before. “We could run away, you know.”

When he speaks, she thinks about it for a moment, until she completely pulls back to sit up. “We can’t, I have my brother here. You have a job and a life and friends, you can’t just give all that up for me.”

“We’ll tell your brother where we are eventually and I’d give up anything for you, Maddie.” It’s been two months since their first kiss, four months of knowing each other and she knows he feels everything she does. Perhaps more intense because she still has to go home to her husband whilst Chimney comes home to an empty apartment most nights.

“You shouldn’t have to give up anything for me, Howie. That would make me no better than him. You’ve already given up so much just by having to keep this secret. I’d never expect you to leave your life behind, that’s not fair.”

Maddie watches as he takes a deep, slightly frustrated breath, sitting up himself to grab her hand, “Doug did that to you, I’m offering it to you. I’ll leave it all behind if it means we can be together completely.”

“I-I’ll leave him.” The words rush out, and there’s silence in the room because really, neither of them are truly sure if she believes those words but she’s never said it before. Not aloud, anyway. “I’ll leave him. I just don’t know how, I-I d-don’t’…”

Her bottom lip trembles, before her eyes close tightly, tears overflowing when she wraps her arms tightly around her knees. “I don’t want to die, Howie. B-but I think… I think he’s going to kill me anyway.” They don’t talk about what goes on behind closed doors in the Kendall household, he’s seen enough of the bruises, the cuts, the broken bones but she doesn’t _talk_ about the stuff her husband says, or anything else he does. The way he likes to wrap his hands around her throat until she’s so sure she’s going to pass out and then he… lets go, and walks off with a satisfied smirk on his face.

How often he likes to remind her that she’s alive because he wants her that way. If he ever changes his mind…

“I…” She knows what he wants to say, that he’ll protect her, that he won’t let Doug kill her but both of them know he can’t make such promises. He can’t be around her twenty-four-seven, no one can. “I will do everything in my power to protect you, Maddie.” Gentle fingers are running through her hair, lips against her cheek as tears fall down his face. “I promise. If you decide to leave, it has to be for you though, not for me… not for us.”

“I’m leaving for me. I don’t want to die.” Maddie confirms, her voice as strong as she can manage right then, before her lips press against his, “I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of killing me.” Maddie finishes, pulling back to press her forehead against his, taking a deep breath.

She was leaving. After sixteen years, she was leaving.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of blood, violence, all that good stuff.

They’d had a plan.

It wasn’t at all complex. It wasn’t thought up over a long period of time or completely ‘out there’. But it was a plan, a simple yet, hopefully effective plan. Still, it was a dangerous one, no matter what she did, it was always going to be dangerous.

Staying with him, leaving him… Chimney knew that his worst fears could so easily happen. Every single time she left his arms to go back home to her husband, there was that undeniable fear that it would be the last time. Every new bruise, cut, sprain, broken bone, concussion… _everything_ , just brought him back to reality that she could so easily be torn from him. Just as his mother had, just as Kevin had…

Chimney isn’t a violent man, but his very first urge the moment he saw that very first bruise, was to kill the man who thought for even a second that it was okay to hurt her, to hurt anyone. Every new mark that marred her body just forced the rage to bubble up inside him, a rage he had never felt before. The last few months had been spent in a perpetual state of anger, only slightly alleviated by how much he loved her. How desperate he was to have her in his arms and his arms only, how much he longed to tell her she was safe and actually _mean_ it

But they had a plan.

Only it had been thirty minutes since she was supposed to walk into the firehouse. They figured if she went somewhere public, just in case, it would be safer. Doug was meant to be in work, it was meant to be _safe_ but there was a feeling deep in the pit of his stomach that just told him something was wrong.

He checks his phone again, taking a deep breath, thirty-three minutes since she was supposed to be in his arms. The first five minutes he had told himself could have been because of traffic, or she just got caught up in something else but every minute since had been like someone was twisting a knife in his chest. It wasn’t something he could explain, but he felt it in every part of his body that something had to be wrong.

It’s Buck who looks up at him when he stops pacing the floor of the locker room, a concern in his eyes and a frown on his lips. For just a second, he meets his eyes and Chimney gulps, wanting to go over to the youngest Buckley and tell him everything he knew. But they both knew how that would end – with Buck finding Doug, and either getting himself arrested or hurt, or worse. Maddie had all but begged him to keep her little brother out of it and he had to stick to that side of his promise.

He doesn’t have any words, just looking down at his phone one more time, thirty-seven minutes. It had been too long and despite everything he had promised her, he finds himself running from the firehouse, ignoring the shouts of his colleagues as they ask him where he’s going, if he’s okay.

No, he’ll never be okay if…

Chimney shakes it off as he grips onto the steering wheel as tightly as he possibly can. He can’t think that way, he can’t just write her off like that. Maddie is… Maddie. The strongest woman he knows and has to hold onto the belief that she’s fine, that Doug hasn’t come home early and caught her. That she isn’t gone.

He promised her he wouldn’t go to the house she shares with Doug but he finds himself driving there anyway, his hands shaking and his chest tight before he mutters the name of the one person who can help, “Call Athena.” He practically shouts in his car, allowing himself to slightly relax when she picks up on the second ring.

.

By the time he gets to her home, it’s been fifty-eight minutes since she was supposed to be safe in his arms. Athena had promised him she’d be there soon, that she would be ready to call for backup if needed, whilst trying to assure Chimney that maybe Maddie just… changed her mind. He couldn’t find the words to tell her the truth, that Maddie had been lying next to him just a few days before as they planned out the future together. How she had been smiling when she pressed her lips to his, telling him she couldn’t wait for them to be forever.

He knew by the tone in the sergeant’s voice that he wasn’t fooling her, playing the act of a concerned friend. Not the secret lover who had somehow made an already dangerous situation even more so the moment he fell into bed with Maddie.

The logical part of him is telling him to wait, to at least let Athena knock the door and make sure the coast was clear but his heart is tugging him towards the door. His hand is shaking before he reaches out to pull down the handle, unsure whether to be relieved or terrified when the unlocked door opens. With one more look behind him to make sure Athena hasn’t arrived, he takes a deep breath and wills himself to take those first few daring steps inside.

The house is so unlike everything he imagines Maddie to be – completely void of colour, so much empty space. There’s that all too familiar clenching feeling in his stomach the moment he sees a smashed vase. He tells himself to turn around, that whatever he’s about to see he doesn’t _want_ to see it but he drives himself forward, trying to steady his breathing when he sees her suitcase discarded on the floor in the living room. More glass. Blood.

His mouth opens to call her name but he quickly stops himself, a lone tear falling down his cheek instead as his entire body trembles. She’s dead, that what he keeps telling himself, she’s dead and he may as well have killed her. However her husband has finally done it, Chimney convinces himself he’s at least half as responsible for every time he’s touched her, every time he told her that he loves her, every tear he’s shed for her, every ounce of encouragement he threw her way when she said she was leaving her husband.

Another step forward, towards the kitchen, where the blood seems to be trailing towards. He doesn’t think he can do it, see her… gone. Everything they had imagined, all their plans disappearing just like that. With her dead, he doesn’t know where all that love is supposed to go. But it makes sense, everyone he’s ever loved with every single part of his being has died. Maybe it’s him, maybe he’s the curse.

It’s only when his ears pick up on the soft sounds of whimpering that he moves faster, every step perfectly in time with his fast beating heart. There’s no thinking, no second-guessing, no fear for all of ten seconds until his eyes fall on the woman he loves, arms wrapped tightly around her knees and back pressed against the wall. Once again, he opens his mouth to say her name but nothing comes out, looking where she is at the unmoving body of her husband. There’s blood, so much blood and he knows he has a choice to make.

The paramedic in him tells him to move towards the more injured of the two, to at least check if he’s still breathing but every other part of him pulls him towards Maddie. “M-Maddie?” His voice doesn’t sound like his own, his heart thumping when he kneels down in front of her, “Maddie, baby… it’s Chim-Howie. It’s Howie. Is it okay if I touch you? M-Make sure you’re…” He wants to say okay, but he doesn’t when he sees that distant look in her eyes until her eyes flicker with recognition the moment their eyes meet.

It breaks his heart to see the bruising around her eyes, blood dripping from a current unseen cut on her head, there’s a deep wound on her cheek, dried blood around her nose and a cut on her lip. The bruising is already starting to show and he hates it, hates that maybe if he had changed the plan, or if he had known something was wrong the moment she didn’t turn up, he could have saved her from at least some of the pain.

“Howie?”

He almost smiles at the relief in her voice when her hand reaches out to touch his cheek to wipe at the tears he hadn’t even realised were falling. “Its me, I got scared when you didn’t show… can I…” His own hand reaches out for her, hovering at her hand before she nods her permission and he takes a deep breath. “A-are you hurt? Apart from—did he…” Her face is pale, her lips tinged blue and he notes the way her chest is heaving, as though she’s struggling to take her next breath.

“H-had t-to… s-stab him… is he dead? Did… I… did I kill him? H-had to, Howie, had… he was g-going to… didn’t want to die.” Its as though she’s half with him, and half in her own head, her eyes glancing between him and the still body of her husband.

“I know you didn’t, you did so good, Maddie. So good, I’m so proud of you but I need you to lie down, okay? I’m going to help you, real slow…” His hands move to pull her legs down, one hand clasping onto hers as he moves to her lay back on the kitchen floor. It takes everything in him not to burst into tears the moment he sees the blood pooling on her t-shirt, knowing that up until that very moment she had been fighting with adrenaline. He must have missed it by minutes, if only he had left the firehouse earlier, he could have… things could be different.

The entrance of a new voice calling through the house distracts him for barely a second, “Chimney?”

“Athena!” His voice is full of panic, mixed with relief because help is there and Maddie’s eyes are starting to close as her face seems to get impossibly paler. “In here! In… in here. Help…” Chimney’s hands press tightly to Maddie’s stomach, forcing a watery smile on his face as the tears fall heavily, “I know you’re tired, baby, but I just need you to keep your eyes open for me. I need you to stay with me, you didn’t fight this hard to give up now, do you hear me?”

He’s desperate, practically begging her but it’s enough for her to blink and force her eyes to open wider, struggling through the tiredness as she takes a deep breath. “He’s gone.” For a moment he had forgotten Athena was there, until she speaks and he has to force his eyes from the woman he loves so much, and over to where the other woman has her fingers pressed against the neck of the bleeding man.

“It was self-defence.” The words fall from his lips before he can think of anything else to say, “She was leaving him, he must… he must have come home and he must have found out. She was leaving him, she was… she was doing the right thing and she was leaving. She didn’t… she fought so hard, Athena… s-she…”

She cuts him off with a hand to his shoulder, “I know, you fought with everything in you.” Her attention is directed only to the woman on the floor, a tight smile on her face. “I’ve called it in, they’re three minutes out, I think it’s the 118, Chimney.” He almost laughs at the irony, at how they had both wanted to keep their friends from this, to protect them but of course, life never works out in the way they hoped.

Instead, he forces a smile on his own face and leans down to press a kiss to her forehead, “Three minutes, my love, three minutes and we’ll have you out of here. You never have to come back here again.”

.

The drive to the hospital is the longest Chimney has ever experienced, his hand holding tightly onto Maddie’s as Buck just sits quietly. He’s barely said a word since he walked into the house and saw the mess left behind – smashed glass everywhere, blood on the walls, the floor.

There are unshed tears in his blue eyes, and he doesn’t break the silence until Maddie is being wheeled away from them, rushed through the doors of the emergency room. “You love her.”

Chimney can’t bring himself to look at her younger brother, seeing so much of her within him. Instead, he nods his head, until Buck takes a deep breath and nods his head, “She loves you. She… she was leaving Doug for you.”

“Yes-No. I… she loves me. But she wasn’t leaving D-him for me, she was leaving him for her. She didn’t—” His eyes focus on where they’ve just wheeled her through, on the fact her eyes had closed despite his best pleading, how her heart had stopped and how hard he had fought to bring her back to them. “She didn’t want to die.”

The words repeat over and over in his head until he’s sinking to his knees, just in time for Hen to catch him as he sobs, “S-she didn’t… w-want to die. She didn’t… I don’t want her to die, Hen, please. Please.” Sobs wrack his body, gripping onto his best friend as her arms wrap tightly around him, “Told her I-I’d keep her s-safe. Failed.”


	5. Chapter 5

_“Did you really think you could leave me, Maddie?”_

Maddie’s eyes flutter open, fingers gently squeezing around the hand she can feel in hers, before her eyes settle on the terrified eyes of her brother. “Maddie? Maddie-oh my god, Maddie. Okay, just stay still. I-I’ll go get help.”

If she’d wanted to say anything, if she could have found the words, her little brother is running out of there before she can open her mouth. Her fingers clench around the hospital bed sheets in the absence of his hand, as she takes a deep breath. The tears fall before she can stop them, a broken sob falling from her lips – she’s alive. Doug is dead and she’s alive, she had been so sure she wouldn’t open her eyes again when she had felt heavy lids fall to a close, almost content that the last face she’d see was Chimney’s.

Chimney. Her Howie.

“ _I know you so well, I know what you’re planning before you do. You can’t leave me. That’s not how we end.”_

It’s hard to listen to what the doctor is telling her, Doug’s voice echoing in her head, the memory of how she had been leaving her keys on the side before he crept up behind her. He was meant to be in work, that was the plan – the simple plan that was meant to end with her falling asleep in Chimney’s arms that night. Nothing in her life had ever gone right.

“Howie?” She finally whispers, the moment the talking has stopped, tearing her eyes away from the nurse changing her IV drip to look at her brother.

When he shakes his head, her entire world stops, heart clenching tightly in her chest, her bottom lip quivering. It’s not until they’re alone again that Buck speaks, placing himself carefully on the edge of the bed to take her hand, “He’s going to stay away for a little while, Maddie. Only a little while. It… your husband is dead and _we_ know it was self-defence, but—”

“I-it looks suspicious.”

Buck nods his head, “Athena doesn’t think they’re even considering charging you, Maddie. There’s more than enough evidence that you were fighting for your life. I just need to protect you, I’m your brother and I’ve let you down for so long. I needed to protect you.”

Maddie squeezes his hand, trying not to burst into tears, “Protect me from Howie?”

“Protect you from how it looks if you run into the arms of your boyfriend the moment your husband is dead.” The words come out harsher than Buck intends, knowing he’s pushed too far when her hand pulls from his and she moves her body slowly to turn away from him without another word.

“Maddie…”

She moves only to flinch from his touch the moment he puts his hand on her shoulder, her grip tightening on the pillow before she weeps. She doesn’t say another word to him, won’t even look at him until she cries herself to sleep.

_“How many times do I have to tell you, Maddie? You know how this ends!”_

.

“I can’t believe you’ve been sleeping with a married woman all this time.” Karen looks between Chimney and Hen, shaking her head, “And I can’t believe you never told me.”

Chimney lets his head rest in his hands as he sighs, tired of the judgement and the disappointment in everyone’s voices. Absolutely exhausted after Buck had practically dragged him from the hospital and told him to stay away, at least until Doug was six feet under. This definitely wasn’t how it was meant to end – she was meant to be safe in his arms, he was meant to be able to kiss her and hold her and tell her that he loved her. He was meant to be able to protect her but instead… she seemed like a whole world away. With Buck and Athena standing between them, as the people he considered family judged him.

“It doesn’t count. She doesn’t love him, he definitely didn’t love her.” His voice is bitter, laced with tiredness as though he’s repeated the justification a thousand times over. And really, he feels as though he has. Constantly defending the decisions he and Maddie made from the moment he collapsed, sobbing in Hen’s arms.

“You put yourself in danger, Chimney. You—”

“I put her in danger.” He finishes for Hen, looking up at her with that devastated look in his eyes. He looks and feels as though he’s aged about ten years in the last few days, more exhausted than he’s ever been. The emotional turmoil of not knowing if she’s going to live, and then being told she’s going to be okay only he’s not allowed to be by her side. Buck hates him, he’s never seen him so angry before – completely aimed at him. Buck hates him and everyone else looks at him as though he’s a stranger.

“No, that’s not what I was going to say.” But she doesn’t finish her sentence anyway, moving only to kneel in front of her best friend with a small smile on her face, “You love her and I know that, but right now – she’s got Buck. If you’re meant to be together then it’ll happen, you both just need some time.”

“If?” He yanks his hand from hers, “You think I’d put either of us through that for an if? No, you know me better than that, Hen. You know _me_ and you know I would never-not for an if. We’re not some stupid fling, some… secret affair. She just needed time to leave him and she did-she was going to leave him and now…”

“And now she’s alive and she’s free and you have all the time in the world to be by her side.” Karen moves towards him this time, hand on his shoulder, a sympathetic smile replacing the judgement and shock that had been on her face moments before.

.

Maddie is used to days without Chimney, she’s had to survive so many moments without him. Having to be in the arms of the man she hated instead, spent nights imagining a life she could have if only she could leave him. And she had, she had been so prepared to walk out of that door and never lay eyes on the man she had spent sixteen years of her life with. For herself, mostly for herself but also for him.

For the life she should have had, for the life she wanted.

So, she was used to days without him, but those days were always spent thinking about the kind of life she wanted. But the time spent in the hospital without him holding her hand, she had never felt so lost or alone. Her brother was there, Athena kept popping by to keep her updated on the case, Josh came once with a look of betrayal and shock on his face that only made her hate herself even more. He never came back.

Howie never came at all.

It’s why two weeks later she finds herself walking into the firehouse with her brother, a determined expression on her face. She’s done being without him, she’s done waiting for him to come to her. “Are you sure you’re ready for this, Maddie?” Buck frowns, scratching the back of his neck as he looks around, trying to spot Chimney before he can see them.

“I’ve been ready for him for months, Buck. I’m ready to be happy, okay? I’m ready to be in love with someone who feels the same way about me. I’m ready to feel safe, so I need you to stop being scared for me. I’m more than ready, I just… I just hope he is.” She bites down on her bottom lip as it trembles, tears burning her eyes as she takes a deep breath.

“Why wouldn’t he be?”

“Because I was meant to leave my husband and instead I had to kill him.”

Her brother lets out an awkward laugh when he shakes his head, “Yeah, fair point. Just go up to the loft, I’ll go grab him. You okay to get up the stairs by yourself?” Her eyes roll, gently nudging his side, making her way towards the stairs, gripping onto every bit of stubbornness within her to take each step without making it obvious that the movement is painful.

It seems to take forever to get to the top, a bead of sweat on her forehead, fists clenching at her side in an attempt to stop the way her entire body is shaking. Physically, she wasn’t done healing and she knew mentally, it would be a long time before she could ever say she was okay but she was more determined than ever to start living the life she had fought so hard to keep. She had fought so damn hard and she had won, so she _deserved_ to be loved and happy.

Those butterflies haven’t disappeared, from the moment she lies eyes on him when he rushes up the stairs, breathless the moment he gets to the top. Maddie smiles, she always smiles when she sees him, remembering how much joy he brings. “Howie.”

“Maddie…” Suddenly, everything she had planned to say – and even written down so she wouldn’t forget – disappears the moment she’s looking at him. He’s greyer than she remembers, his face pale and there’s dark circles beneath his eyes as though he hasn’t slept since the last time she truly looked at him. He looks about ready to pass out, so phenomenally exhausted that all she wants to do is reach out to him and hold him.

“I miss you.” Is what she says, instead of moving, eyes desperately seeking to make contact with his as his scan over her body, as though he doesn’t believe she’s actually there. “I get it, Athena and Buck have told me a thousand times that me missing you is for the best but—I don’t want to miss you again. I don’t want this to be our ending and I don’t think you do either.” He doesn’t speak, eyes wide in shock, but he does take a step forward, his body the closest it’s been to hers in weeks.

“Unless you’re trying to tell me married women are your thing.” It’s a terrible attempt of a joke, one that causes him to flinch until he finally looks up at her face to see the small, teasing smile crossing her features.

His shoulders slump, and she thinks she’s lost him for a second before a small laugh falls from his lips, finally grinning at her before he says, “I love you.”

“And I love you.” Her words are quick, but full of meaning, eyes finally meeting his when he looks at her.

“I-I thought… I really thought I was going to lose you. I’ve never been so scared in all my life…”

This time it’s Maddie who steps towards him, completely closing the gap between them so she can rest her hand gently on his cheek, fingers moving to squeeze his ear lobe ever so softly. “I didn’t give up. I wanted to, for a few seconds, when he was standing over me and I could feel his fists constantly—and I could hear him screaming at me. And then he… then he had the knife and I knew what he wanted. I knew he was going to kill me and—I remembered what I told you. That I wanted to live and I fought so hard, harder than I’ve ever fought for anything my whole life. I thought for me, _and_ I fought for you, us.”

He opens his mouth to say something but she shakes her head and smiles, “I didn’t fight that hard to not have you in my life. So, if you don’t want to be with me, if you don’t-if this isn’t something that’s going to work for you then you let me know because in the very least, I want my friend back and if that’s all you can give me, then as long as I have you in my life that’ll be fine.”

Maddie knows she only half-means it, that the rejection will sting more than she could put into words but as long as she has him, as long as she can see him and touch him and love him from afar then that’s fine too.

The man takes a deep breath, reaching to grab for one of her hands, only to pull her as close as he possibly can, their bodies touching until he can feel her breath on his neck. “I don’t want to do life without you. I don’t ever want to think about losing you again and I most definitely don’t want to be just your friend, Maddie.”

She laughs, letting out a sigh of relief, “Are you going to kiss me or...?” He drops her hand immediately to gently rest his hands on her hips instead as her arms hook around his shoulders, a grin on her face.

“I’m going to kiss you now.” Maddie’s tongue darts out along her lips, fingers raking through his hair as she waits. The moment his lips connect with hers she feels at home, as though everything is right with the world once more, heart thumping against her chest as her smile widens against his lips.

The world around them disappears, she barely hears the sounds of Eddie teasing her brother, or Hen and Bobby cheering. All she feels is Chimney’s lips on hers and his arms wrapping around her waist. And for the first time in as long as she can remember, maybe even for the first time in her life, she feels so unbelievably safe and loved.


End file.
